Your to-don't list

Here's a list of things a man should never do:

1 Check your BlackBerry in bed. To a woman, that's like having a threesome with your boss.

2 Ask for a kiss. Her eyes will say yes or no, and nothing kills the mood like asking for a translation.

3 Show your bums in low-rise jeans. So what if David Beckham flashes his hash in every other men's magazine? It's important to have some sack, not show it.

4 Leer. Sure, her buttons are quivering to rein in her pendulous bosoms. Sure, it looks 'cold in here'. And sure, each giggle causes her chest to sway suggestively. But 'pervert' is not a label you can just peel off.

5 Snoop through her e-mail, closets or medicine chests. There's probably nothing there you need to worry about. But rest assured, you'll find something you don't want to see.

6 Mess with another man's automobile. We don't care if he stole your wife, your job, and your dog. It's blasphemy.

7 Send an angry e-mail. Have the guts to pick up the phone-or better yet, have a tête-à-tête.

8 Dismiss a woman who shows any interest in watching cricket with you. She wants you bad.

9 Forget a vest. Go ahead, let'em see you sweat. Just don't let them see sweat creeping out from your underarms like dark foreboding tunnels to your moistened soul.

10 Talk politics or religion with new friends. And if you consider sports one of the two, leave that off the table as well.

11 Hang anything-your cell phone, your keys-on your belt. You'll never get laid again. True story.

12 Have that extra drink. You know, the one that takes you from hilarious to hyena. Always respect your tippling point.

13 DIY plumbing. You think it looks easy. Then your house falls down. Water, like the neighbourhood bodybuilder's wife, is not to be flirted with.

14 Argue with a cop. You were caught. Own up. Accept defeat. The only thing you can win in that battle is a humid cell and a not-too-friendly roommate.

15 Pluck your brows. It's okay to groom. It's okay to like a woman who grooms. It's not okay to groom like a woman.